People have the best intentions when giving advice, they really do. I'm doing this blog to help people with infertility, but also to help people who know someone with infertility. I could make a list of some of the horrible comments I've heard from others who were sincerely trying to help, even if it did more harm than good. But, the topic of "just relax" and you will get pregnant came up with someone I was talking with the other day about her struggle with infertiliy so I'll just touch on that.
I said in my last post my husband and I quit trying for awhile, pretty much a whole year actually. Was it because I was tired of Clomid and no answers? Yes. But, have you ever heard that theory of if you tell someone something often enough they start to believe it? Well its true! I had heard so many times that I was too stressed, needed to relax and it would happen. The doctor couldn't tell me anything that was wrong so I started to think "what if they're right, its all just stress and I'm the problem?" My solution? Give up, and hope a positive pregnancy test appeared! After about a year of this I realized relaxation was not my problem!
What's my point in all this? Please, please don't say this to people. Even if you really believe that is their issue, try to
hold your tongue and help them to have less stress. Offer to take them out to lunch, buy them a massage, help them at their house, whatever it is to help relieve stress. Every time someone told me not to stress it had the opposite effect, I stressed even more about if I was stressing too much (crazy on Clomid, remember) Then I gave up looking for answers, I ignored symptoms that something was wrong with my body because I kept thinking, don't stress and it will happen! I know there are those few people who are stressed too much and once they relax they conceive, but that is very rare.
To the women with infertility who hear these comments I say try not to be offended. Most likely their advice is with the best intentions and they don't realize what they're saying. We can't expect someone who has never been through something to understand how it feels. I've never lost my husband or parent, I don't know how it feels and might say something I shouldn't without even thinking about it to someone who has been through that. I've learned people don't mean to hurt my feelings or make me uncomfortable, they want to help, but don't know what to say. It's awkward for them too. We just need to have love and grace towards one another.
I believe God has a perfect time for everything and He led me to the right people who could give me answers. I'm not upset that I gave up for a year, because I know it all happened according to God's plan. I do wish I would have known what was wrong earlier in some ways, because it affects my health overall, not just fertility. But then I wouldn't have learned the many lessons I did along the way. I felt so discouraged that year, but I could've never truely comforted someone who is at that point of hopelessness if I hadn't been there myself. Now I can honestly tell those women, "I've been there, where it seems all hope is gone. It's ok to be sad, and you feel horrible, but it will end. God's grace IS sufficient!"
To end with a little humor, this made me laugh. I'm sure my dogs feel this way!!
